Re-Claiming My Self Confidence

12 Nov 2017

This is a post that I hadn't planned to write, but it's about something that's been on my mind lately. I'll be honest, this might be a great big ramble, but if it takes all of the things that are buzzing around in my head and weighing my shoulders down away, then so be it! Today, I'm going to be talking to you all about how I'm re-claiming my self confidence and I'm not usually one to talk about myself in such a personal way, so please be kind!

Let me take you waaay back to the beginning. I have been put down my whole life. I was a pretty chubby kid and people made sure I was aware. Even my mum's partner suggested that I read up about obesity, which, of course, was a comment that wasn't needed and felt like a sledgehammer crashing through my self esteem. It doesn't stop there though - I was also put down about the way I look. My eyebrows were always too big, my multicoloured eye was weird, my hair was frizzy and even that my chin was a weird shape. The way I dressed also seemed to be an issue and the first time I wore shorts, my best friend at the time told me that I finally had sex appeal. Family members would squeeze at my chubbier bits, so I would cover up more and then they'd comment on how I never show any skin. Because of all of this, I used to feel bad about myself all the time. I didn't feel good enough to be seen with my pretty friends and, at times, I didn't even want to leave the house. My self confidence was so low and I didn't think that there was any way of coming back from it.

Fast forward to now, I've been boosting myself up, little by little, and it's shown. So many people have told me that I'm so happy and comfortable lately, and it's because I have been! There have been some drastic changes in my life, but they have only been for the better.

I've accepted that there are some toxic people that I can't cut out of my life because of family, but the majority that were causing me so much internal pain are gone. Like everybody says, this was much easier said than done, but slowly, as these people left, I could feel my outlook getting brighter. The only negative comments I ever hear about the way I look or dress now are from myself and trust me, I'm working on stopping that. I feel like everyone has times where they have a little dig at themselves, even if they don't mean to. We're only human after all!
I've accepted that there are parts of my body that I can't change and I'm learning to love them. For example, I have big thighs and hips, and I used to hate them because they make me look so wide. I realised that I think big thighs on other women look sexy, so why was I putting myself down about my own? They look damn good in a pair of skinny jeans and I'd look ridiculous with a thigh gap anyway. I realised that my hips give me the curves of my body that I love so much, so if they weren't there, I'd look like a pencil. They also look amazing in gym leggings, if I do say so myself, which is something else that has helped me to re-claim my confidence - going to the gym. While there are things that I can't (and don't) want to change, I'm working on the things that I can change and luckily for me, I have the most gorgeous and supportive friend that I do this with. I am pushing myself to lose my bingo wings before I get married and trim down the bit of jiggle on my belly, and having someone to support me and keep track of reps because I get distracted is exactly what I need!

I've realised that I am good at what I do. I may not fit into everyone's ideal blogger mold, but I work with what I've got. My photography isn't perfect and I definitely write too much, but I bloody love it. I'm good at my course, and even though I'm quiet and don't like putting my hand up, I know the answers and I'm working hard to get a good result at the end. I love my volunteering work, both at the WI and the HIV clinic, and I know that my efforts are appreciated in both parties. The WI website is doing better than it ever has before and we have email subscribers from all over the world. Helping and chatting to the people at the clinic is great and I've met so many new people through doing it. Even when I get snowed under with all the things I take on and the projects I carry out, I constantly tell myself that what I'm doing is worth it and I'm doing a bloody good job, no mater what anyone else says.

I've learned to be myself. Like I said, on my course, I am fairly quiet, but I am actually fairly loud and outspoken usually. Sometimes, there isn't a filter for what comes out of my mouth and I swear a little bit too much. I laugh at stupid things and get myself into silly situations. Sometimes I roll out of bed and wear the scruffiest of clothes, and other times I make more of an effort. And do you know what, I've learned to let that side of myself out a little bit more. It can be scary, but if people don't like it, then sod them.

While there are still areas that need improvement and there are days where my self confidence dips a little, I can honestly say that I've never felt as good as I do right now. Despite all the stress of keeping up with deadlines, I am so happy and content right now, and one of the main reasons is because my self confidence is at an all time high. I came to the realisation that it's not something that gets rebuilt overnight, but it's something that takes a lot of time and nurturing.

I was going to end this post by apologising for the rambly nature, but heck, rambling is such a good form of therapy. I hope that at least some of you made it to the end of this post and if you did, I hope that you enjoyed it!

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